I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So apparently I’m into choking now
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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