Buhtt sex?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i dont even know how to be here
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Drunk is a universal language darling
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
