...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
