I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
