Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
