woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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