He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
