Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
