Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
