My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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