I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
