I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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