Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
