Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
