that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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