Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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