chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
