There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
