She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
