Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
