Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
