I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
