apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
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Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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