Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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