I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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