OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
