Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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