this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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