i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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