shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
