I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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