Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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