oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
