In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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