Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize