U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
