THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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