i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
