they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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