insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
