There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
