My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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