Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
