i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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