guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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