The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
