Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
