and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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