You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
