genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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