he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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