wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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