Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
