My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
