bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
